Posted 3 hours ago

I like to think that up to now, Mike has been sitting at home angrily muttering and staring at a stopwatch whenever the news and weather have been on TV. Once they’re finished, he angrily makes a note of the time spent talking about Scottish news and Scottish weather in a notepad he keeps specially by his armchair. It’ll all go into his spreadsheet at the end of the month. Then they’ll see. They’ll ALL see.

Posted 4 hours ago
"I would like to reject absolutely this preposterous notion that the government somehow favours the Scots through the issue of larger banknotes." said Sir Buggers Luggeridge KB, Government Currency and Scottishness Supremo, today. "The issue of £100 banknotes is, as we all know, simply to allow Scottish savers to safely contain more money under their beds. Shortbread tins are only so big, you know, and the harrowing memories of the McDuff incident in ‘83 are still fresh in everyone’s minds."

"I would like to reject absolutely this preposterous notion that the government somehow favours the Scots through the issue of larger banknotes." said Sir Buggers Luggeridge KB, Government Currency and Scottishness Supremo, today. "The issue of £100 banknotes is, as we all know, simply to allow Scottish savers to safely contain more money under their beds. Shortbread tins are only so big, you know, and the harrowing memories of the McDuff incident in ‘83 are still fresh in everyone’s minds."

Posted 6 hours ago
"I say, Darling, let’s settle this like men! Tiddlywinks at dawn! At stake: a nation!"

"I say, Darling, let’s settle this like men! Tiddlywinks at dawn! At stake: a nation!"

Posted 7 hours ago
"I’m absolutely incandescent with rage." trilled Mrs Bunty Twelvetrees, 85, when our reporter interrupted her game of bingo to thrust a copy of this letter under her nose. "Here we all are, watching as a nation goes to the polls to make the biggest constitutional decision facing the UK in 300 years, and no-one in the mass media focuses on the fact that we’re going into this situation with a Prime Minister who can’t control his foul language? Is this what my Reg spent the war with a bullet wound in his foot for? So that we could have a serving Prime Minister using language that would make a docker blush? In my day it was all different, you would never have heard Churchill use language like that. He was a gentleman, was Churchill. Even when he was ordering the saturation bombing of entire cities he was always very polite, was mister Churchill. This Cameron should resign! I’m absolutely bloody incandescent with rage. It’s a fucking disgrace, is what it is. An absolute fucking disgrace."
"The ham-faced fucking twat." she added.

"I’m absolutely incandescent with rage." trilled Mrs Bunty Twelvetrees, 85, when our reporter interrupted her game of bingo to thrust a copy of this letter under her nose. "Here we all are, watching as a nation goes to the polls to make the biggest constitutional decision facing the UK in 300 years, and no-one in the mass media focuses on the fact that we’re going into this situation with a Prime Minister who can’t control his foul language? Is this what my Reg spent the war with a bullet wound in his foot for? So that we could have a serving Prime Minister using language that would make a docker blush? In my day it was all different, you would never have heard Churchill use language like that. He was a gentleman, was Churchill. Even when he was ordering the saturation bombing of entire cities he was always very polite, was mister Churchill. This Cameron should resign! I’m absolutely bloody incandescent with rage. It’s a fucking disgrace, is what it is. An absolute fucking disgrace."

"The ham-faced fucking twat." she added.

Posted 10 hours ago
"Last week I went cold turkey on Irn Bru, square sausage, special fish suppers and the word ‘crivvens’." said I Barratt, when Pointless Letters reached out for comment. "It’s been a tough time, I don’t mind telling you."

"Last week I went cold turkey on Irn Bru, square sausage, special fish suppers and the word ‘crivvens’." said I Barratt, when Pointless Letters reached out for comment. "It’s been a tough time, I don’t mind telling you."

Posted 11 hours ago
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN KIRKCALDY:
"Effie! EFFIE! Break out the Scotch! There will be dancing tonight!"
"Oh Hamish!"

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN KIRKCALDY:

"Effie! EFFIE! Break out the Scotch! There will be dancing tonight!"

"Oh Hamish!"

Posted 13 hours ago

Call me cynical, but I think Kevin might be approaching the prospect of the independence referendum with a bit of emotional baggage.

Posted 15 hours ago
Interesting fact of the day: any plan is automatically enhanced by “Imagine the Nazis have landed.”

Interesting fact of the day: any plan is automatically enhanced by “Imagine the Nazis have landed.”

Posted 18 hours ago
OLITICSPAY: Ockshay ewsnay odaytay asway Alexway Almondsay  evealsray atthay anway independentway Otlandscay ouldway  abandonway Englishway inway avourfay ofway igpay Atinlay.

OLITICSPAY: Ockshay ewsnay odaytay asway Alexway Almondsay
evealsray atthay anway independentway Otlandscay ouldway
abandonway Englishway inway avourfay ofway igpay Atinlay.

Posted 1 day ago

BONUS “SURPRISINGLY UNANIMOUS” EVENING UPDATE!

With more 99s than a road traffic accident involving ice-cream trucks, it’s time once again to look at the wonderful world of the Daily and Sunday Express phone poll. Ever wondered what the inside of an Express reader’s head looks like? WONDER NO MORE…