Posted 2 hours ago

BONUS “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN” UPDATE!

Okay, so you’re a tall guy with a beard, writing in to the Metro’s Rush Hour Crush section because you’re attracted to a girl on the bus. How do you approach this way of introducing yourself to the woman who (you hope) might be the one?

  1. Go for the funny route, make her laugh
  2. Be sweet and romantic
  3. Crank it up all the way to 11 on the “Creepily Intense-ometer” and question her on who she’s been with the last few days WHO IS HE? IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW?!?!? I SAW YOU WITH HIM AND YOU HAVE CRUSHED MY DREAMS WHO IS HE MY DREAMS ARE DEAD AND CRUSHED

(many thanks to Sehlat over on Twitter for sending this one in!)

Posted 5 hours ago

I think you dodged a bullet there Lars. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know when a preposition should take the genitive and not the dative? Nightmare.

Posted 9 hours ago

DISCLAIMER: Not actual medical advice. Stuffing of knickers with varieties of frozen vegetables should be undertaken only by qualified medical staff in controlled conditions. Pointless Letters accepts no liability for any frozen vegetable-related injuries that may arise, including (but not limited to) cauliflower chilblains, broccoli-induced frostbite and/or parsnip hypothermia. Terms and conditions may apply. Prices of peas may go down as well as up.

Posted 13 hours ago

Sometimes, with some letters, if you listen carefully enough, you can almost hear the writer’s monocle popping out with rage.

Posted 14 hours ago

BONUS “BRITTEN FURSTT!!!!!111” UPDATE

Following on from the handy top tip given in yesterday’s letter about undesirables entering the UK, Twitter user mattwilltweet produced the Britain First-tastic image above!

Posted 1 day ago

TOP TIMESAVING TIP: Are you too busy with the hurly-burly of modern life to look like a proper xenophobic fuckwit on Facebook these days? Are you concerned that this might lead your friends to think you take a dangerously pro-foreigner position on things? Don’t worry! Help is at hand! Just take the text of this letter*, stick it onto a photo of Churchill smoking a cigar and post it up on Facebook. Hey Presto! People will think you’re one of those cool kids from Britain First!

Don’t believe us? Just listen to this satisfied customer:

I was absolutely incandescent with rage when I found out that my friends had taken my silence on Facebook as an indication that I had somehow gone soft on all them foreigns and benefits scum and scroungers and all that lot, but what was I to do? I was too busy making my Reg’s tea every night. Then I read this tip, posted it up on Facebook under a picture of Churchill flicking the V sign, and the next day I got 113 likes AND I put a brick through the window of the Chinese takeaway just down the road. Now who’s soft on them foreigns and benefit scum, eh? Now you’ll need to excuse me, my Reg fancied a beef satay but them lazy bastards have shut the Chinese tonight and I need to get some chips on. 

- Mrs B. Twelvetrees

 

 

 

* Don’t correct anything. That’s important. The wording has to stay as it is for the magic to work. And whatever you do, don’t forget to put “LIKE & SHARE IF YOU AGREE” at the bottom.

Posted 1 day ago

Yeah, wearing boots or shoes at different times of the year, that’s the mad thing here, Misha. Not remembering what footwear total strangers wear months apart and then getting worked up about it enough to write in to a paper. That’s not mad at all.

(with many thanks to Ashles3000 over on Twitter for this one, who is no doubt wearing weather-appropriate shoes that would not enrage Misha any further)

Posted 1 day ago

Cheerful note at the end, there.

Posted 2 days ago

If it doesn’t have three priests starring in it, I’m leaving

Posted 2 days ago

That’ll show her, Sven!